back and watch your back

i think i need to write back and get the whole thing right.

thanks to you. 

and

see you again somewhere in hell.

hail juji!

masuk kali ini dah dekat 37 kali.

sudah hafal lirik lagu. sambil membayangkan short filem. ada pintu ada naga ada pukat ada burung ada kuda terbang. lari lari getis dalam taman bunga. sembunyi balik semak main cak cak. awak suka saya kejar lah saya. meh meh!!!

weh cepat lah hantar kuda terbang. aku rindu kat kau ni weh!

cucuk pusat makcik urut

hari ini sebelas haribulan. seperti sebelas haribulan yang lepas atau akan datang, aku akan duduk diluar balconi menikmati malam yang damai. melihat bintang sambil meng'emo'kan diri bukan menggemukkan diri. harap maklum.

tapi tidak seperti sebelas haribulan yang lalu, aku cuba mengingatkan cerita cerita lawak bersama arwah. tak mahu sedih malam ini. aku nak meng'emo'kan diri secara positive. lalu teringat cerita cucuk pusat makcik urut. kalau bukan arwah yang paksa, tidak mungkin aku akan dapat rasa penangan urut tradisional kemban batik separuh bogel melayu.

ok ceritanya bermula begini...

tahun lepas, aku balik malaysia dengan penyakit anemia iron deficiency. kurang darah tak cukup makan hati lembu kata orang melayu. entah apa sebab. selidik punya selidik aku cuba salahkan air ini. setiap hari sabtu aku togak bagai konon nak cukup energy untuk berkerja. campur pulak dengan 6 cawan kopi bagi cergas macam beruk. berserta activiti menelan pil ginseng guarana macam orang gila. sebagai orang yang kecil molek, aku rasa tahap pengambilan caffeine aku melebihi tahap piawayan (macam mana eja?) yang ditetapkan. doctor aku cakap mungkin jugak sebab diet separa veggie yangyangyok aku. (macam pelobi industri daging lembu lah pulak doctor ni). tekan benda alah ni kalau korang rasa dia menipu. apa pun sebab, yang aku tahu tahun lepas adalah neraka buat badan aku. lemah longlai, jalan bongkok mcm orang tua. sumpah taubat. sekarang kopi aku minum sekali sehari. ganti dengan darah lembu fresh terbaik dari ladang. yummy!

so nak jadikan cerita, arwah suruh aku pergi berurut. aku tak pasti kenapa dan apa kaitan dengan penyakit aku. dia kata pergi aje lah. bagi urat jangan kejang. selama hidup aku tak pernah pergi berurut secara serious. kalau ada pun, urut geli geli malam hari. arwah cakap umur makin tua badan cepat masuk angin dan darah tak jalan lancar.  badan orang yang macam aku yang datang dari negara panas ni tak sesuai dengan cuaca negara sejuk. seminggu dia pujuk suruh pergi. last last aku give up. aku cakap ok.

temu janji pun ditetapkan besok harinya. aku siap siap pakai baju kurung (yelah masa tu tengah sibuk orang beraya lagi tak akan aku nak pakai baju gaun pulak). arwah capai satu kain batik suruh aku simpan dalam beg tangan. 

"eh kain batik nak buat apa ni?" bebel aku.

"buat salin. abis nak berurut pakai baju kurung." marah arwah.

damn, mesti kena kemban dikhayalak ramai. nasib baik bulu kaki dah cukur semperna hari raya. kalau tak mesti heboh satu kampung. perempuan tak pandai menjaga kecantikan diri.

sampai rumah makcik urut. hati aku berdebar. rumah papan beratap tinggi. ada pokok rambutan depan rumah. ayam itik berlari lari dihalaman rumah. memang prop sesuai macam dalam cerita melayu dalam scene pergi rumah makcik urut. bila arwah bagi salam, makcik urut menggenguk dari jendela sambil membalas salam.

"naik lah. pintu tak kunci. jemput naik. meh meh naik." 

aku senyum. makcik urut nampaknya sangat friendly. hilang sikit rasa gemuruh. aku membayangkan yang lebih buruk. yelah orang balik oversea mesti ada sikit getis. tak ranggi lah kalau tak getis dan bias pada amalan nenek moyang sendiri. getis kan aku? nasib baik aku tak pakai kasut tumit tinggi. tambah satu point getis orang balik oversea. 

setelah habis satu balang kuih batang buruk dan seteko teh gila manis. dan jugak setelah sesi beramah mesra serta soalan soalan berunsurkan geography dan history habis. makcik urut cakap,

"meh masuk dalam bilik. kain batik bawak kan?"

"ye ada dalam beg tangan saya ni."

"bagus, awak tukar baju kurung tu dan pakai kain batik. kemban. coli semua buka ye."

aku pandang arwah mintak izin. yelah bukan aku prude pun cuma tak biasa berkemban dengan orang orang asing. arwah pun tak pernah nengok aku berkemban, ini kan pulak makcik urut yang aku baru kenal tak sampai 15 minit. nasib baik kuih batang buruk dia sedap. kalau tak aku suruh dia urut menutup aurat.

bila masuk dalam bilik, aku nampak tikar mengkuang terbentang lebar atas lantai. terbayang segala macam manusia yang telah diurut kemban atas tikar mengkuang tu. ada bantal sarung ropol ropol isi kekabu dihujung atas tikar. aku paling suka gerobok cermin makcik urut. sangat comel. ala zaman dulu dulu. atas gerobok cermin tu ada botol bedak cuticura, dua sisir sikat dan barang solek jenama avon. 

aku baring atas tikar. arwah duduk dekat sebelah. makcik urut pun masuk dalam bilik dengan botol minyak ibu kelapa. baunya sangat exotic seperti berada di kepulauan bora bora. setelah itu sesi urut pun bermula. fasa pertama, boleh tahan. lembut tak sakit. ala sepoi sepoi bahasa. mendayu boleh buat tidur.  bila masuk fasa kedua aku dah macam beruk kena baling dengan mercun. ini bukan lagi berurut. ini dah macam kena karate. retak tulang belulang. arwah cakap relak lah, bukan selalu. nak baik mesti kena suffer dulu. ye mak saya paham. ye mak saya ikut cakap mak. saya anak yang mendengar kata. saya anak yang baik. 

satu jam aku mengelupur. bila tiba fasa ketiga, fasa yang aku suka. sebenarnya tak ada dalam package tapi makcik urut bagi secara percuma. semuanya bermula bila dia tanya apa sakit aku.

"kurang darah ye? pembawak budak selalunya ada masalah kurang darah ni. meh makcik nengok kalau awak ni pembawak budak atau tidak."

"ah pembawak budak tu apa lah cik?" 

"ada mengidam yang bukan bukan? cik nengok tadi awak makan kuih batang buruk sampai habis sebalang." 

"dah sedap, saya makan lah. bukan selalu pun. mengidam apa nya. saya bukan hamil pun."

belum habis cakap kenapa aku tidak sepatutnya hamil. makcik urut terus mencucuk pusat aku. aku terkebil pandang arwah. jangan makcik urut ni cakap yang bukan bukan. lama dia cucuk pusat aku. last last dia cakap,

"nampak gaya pembawak budak dia ni. kalau dengar betul betul, ada bunyi dengupan jantung. baru nak jadi. dalam 2 minggu gitu."

seperti baru bangun dari mimpi ngeri. terkulat kulat tak paham apa yang terjadi. biar benar atau adakah ini lawak semata mata. bukan aku nak perlekehkan amalan nenek moyang aku. tapi ini kali pertama aku dengar test kehamilan menggunakan teknik cucuk pusat. mungkin aku yang getis tak pernah tahu teknik cucuk pusat itu sebenarnya telah wujud lama. aku nak check google, rumah makcik urut takde wifi. tapi atas dasar confidentnya aku akur. tapi rezeki tak akan datang bergolek kalau tidak diusahakan. aku rasa aku kawin dengan putera bunian ke apa? pemikiran aku sebenarnya lebih tertumpu pada teknik cucuk pusat makcik urut. terkesima hampir terpegun. dalam hati aku cakap, hebatnya makcik urut ni. cucuk pusat sudah tahu dalam perut ada apa. tangan dia ada scan ke apa?

habis upacara urut dan cucuk pusat. aku lipat kain batik aku bayar 30 hengget salam tangan dan angkat kaki. 

makcik urut cakap datang balik. afdal 3 kali urut session kalau nak baik. 

dan of course aku datang balik berurut 3 kali. saja aku nak tahu lebih lanjut teknik cucuk pusat dia. dan 3 kali jugak dia beria ia kata aku mengandung. berdasarkan dari pengalaman lalu, makcik urut kata dari 8 orang customer yang telah dicucuk pusat, semuanya membuah kan hasil yang positive.

arwah geleng kepala. aku tak pasti dia percaya atau bersikap skeptical macam aku. yang nyata cerita tu agak lawak. 

sampai sekarang aku masih tunggu pebawak budak ni berlenggang perut, berparam palis atas dahi dan berbengkung bagai. 

setahun kemudian, aku berfirasat kemungkinan pembawak budak tu bunting gajah. 

hanya makcik urut yang tahu apa rahsianya...

kalau balik nanti, aku nak seround dua urut session. angin badan dah banyak dah ni. 

makcik urut, tunggu saya datang bawak kain batik...

ali oh ali

if you think i am a fool, betcha i am not...

RESPOND URGENTLY FROM DR.MUSTAPHA ALI.

Afficher les détails

Corps du message

FROM DR.MUSTAPHA ALI.
BILL & EXCHANGE MANAGER.
GROUP BANK OF AFRICA (BOA)
BURKINA-FASO WEST AFRICA.


                                          STRICTLY AND CONFIDENTIAL.


Dear Sir.
       
I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise as we never met before. I am Dr.Mustapha Ali, the Bill & Exchange Manager section of Bank Of Africa (B.O.A) Ouagadougou Burkina Faso.  I Hope  that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our Both families.

I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of Fifteen Million Five Hundred Thousand united state dollars ($15.5mUSD) immediately to your Bank Account.

The fund has been Dormant (in-active) over 10 years in our Bank here without any body coming for it. I want to Release the Fund to you as the nearest person to our Late Deceased Customer Engr. Adams Salah from Toronto Canada (the owner of the account) who died long with his entire Family Both his Supposed Next of kin in the Air Crash since on 31st July 2000 and since then our Bank Management has been waiting for the Relation to come and Claim the Fund but up till now and no body came as Relation to Engr. Adams Salah..

I don't want the fund to go into our Bank treasury Account as an abandoned fund, so this is the reason why I contacted you, so that our Bank will release the fund to you as the nearest person to the deceased customer.  Listen i contacted you to come and stand as his Business Associate as to enable our Bank Management to release the Fund to you through my under ground work for i am going to back you up under ground as your insider with all the information's i have with me concerning the Late. Deceased and his Entire Family as the Bill & Exchange Manager in our Bank.

Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interested. Upon receipt of your reply, I will give you more details regarding this transaction and also note that you will have 40% of the above mentioned amount if you agree to help me execute this Business.  Listen after the funds has been transferred into your bank account you  will take additional 5% out of the 15.5M as a compensation for your Financial Assistance during the processing of the Release  and Transfer of the Inheritance Fund by our Bank Management and 55% is for me been the Initiator. I need to hear from you urgently so that I will give you more Details regarding this transaction. Because the Rule and Regulations of our Bank Stipulated that if such thing happened to any of our Client and after 7 years if someone Related to  the Deceased did not come to Claim the Balance the Next thing is to Push the Fund into the Government Treasury Account as
Unclaimed Bills.

So please because of this reason i have decided to contacted you to come and put Claim over this Fund and through my under ground work as the Bill & Exchange Manager inside our Bank i assure you that once you Apply to our Bank as the Next of Kin the Fund will be Release and Transfer into your Bank Account which you are going to provide for the Transfer of the Fund on your Favour. Make sure you forward to me all your Personal information's Bellow for my own Record as my Business partner including your Photo or your Identity Card for I need to know whom I am entrusting such huge amount of Money in His or Her Account .

Please do not entertain any atom of fear concerning the transaction for all arrangement has been already made for the smooth Release and Transfer of the Inheritance Fund into your Bank Account if only you are ready to show your full coo-operation with me during the Bank Official processing to enable us achieve our goal for i assure you 100% Risk Free Transaction and again bear in Mind  that you have noting loose  in this Transaction once you can obey and also follow the Bank Instruction’s as the Next of Kin for my own duty is to be feeding you with any good development under ground as your insider.

Secondly you should understand that any Money you spend on behalf of this Transaction shall balance back to you once i arrive there in your Country immediately you confirm to me that you have receive the Fund into your Bank Account. So you have to check your self very well if you are capable to handle the transaction with me before responding for more Details.

Name......................................
Your Country..............................
Occupation................................
Age.......................................
Your Marital Status.......................
Your Personal Fax N°......................
Your Personal Mobile N°...................
Your Sex..................................
8) Your Religion..........................
9) Your Photo or Local Identity...........

Waiting for your urgent response so that we can commence immediately with the transaction and feel free to ask me any question for more Clarification.

Best Regards,

Dr.Mustapha Ali

GROUP BANK OF AFRICA.


ali oh ali, why me for fuck sake yo!



                                                           
                                               

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bent baby bent!

i came back from a medical checkup. nothing serious really. just a normal checkup for my work place. every once a year or two. always the same cheerful yet ethical madame. you enter the room, she would said, "now get naked. i will like to see if you can bent properly." 

so before getting 80% naked, i need to do the sight and hearing test. i failed to read that fonts as small as pubic lice. i just hummed yeah yeah yeah no, not B maybe Z or C. next please. i am suck with alphabets. oh the condom is for free? then came the hearing test. failed. it sounded more like a fly fart. or maybe i was busied reasoning on my conscience. with all the gadgets, i was lost in translation.

the next test was to pee in the goblet. urine test to be exact. i knew the pee would smelt like coffee. i drunk gallon before. indeed yes. my piss smelt awful. if anyone take a blind taste for   a new brand of coffee, my piss will go easily branded as a new type of brew.  the madame was disgusted. i just smiled. 


"i don't drink tea in the morning. sorry." 


i passed the test easily. no drugs (or should i consider caffeine as drug too?). just water, inorganic salts and organic compounds and hell yeah a heavy dose of coffee. maybe some other drugs but the madame said nothing. why should i bother giving her some of unwanted detail of my illicit activity?

then after i went thru the 2 tests, she shoved me to a next room. where another madame was waiting for me. this was the part where i needed to be on my panties and bra only. the last test before being proved able to work. (i have been working for almost 2 months. isn't that a proof i am so able to work? i guess that is so french.) 

"so was up with this year? i knew last year you had this and that. anything new?" she asked while looking at the computer. screened my health history. or maybe played with solitaire. 


i was still fully clothed when she asked that. the naked part was after some brief questions about my health state.

"well, last year was anemia. fully recovered. i hope. this year i had few fits and i am on tegretol. so next year i assume will be my retirement year. can you note that one? 


"oh some fits huh? how many times did you collapsed?" 


"5 times more or less. i didn't count but sure hell it wasn't funny. to drool and shit unconsciously. not good really. but tegretol makes me high. oh hell yeah baby."


"well, to be frank with you, there is no problem. you still can work even if you have fits. just make sure you don't climb a ladder when you work. you might kill yourself."


"i don't like ladder, i have a vertigo. case close. i can't climb up to the summit. well i could, i just crawl like a dog. i did once in tatra mountain range. i sweated like a dog too. you think i am ok doc?"

A brighter green indicates that you have taken too much B-complex. You may want to reduce it. If not, just let it be. Drink lots of water and do more exercise.

"sweating is normal and human. but dog don't sweat like us.  dog cool itself by panting and breathing. with the moist lining of their lung serving as the evaporative surface. you can check this if you want to know much about how do dog sweat."


"cool, you want to know about skippy? the most stupid dog ever in our valley?" i asked her.


"no, next year when you will have time to enjoy your retirement. now get naked. i want to see you bent."


"oh ok.  lucky day for you. i shaved and wear a matching underclothes. should i bent now?"




so when i reached home, i felt that my back hurt.  and i am sure i am becoming half blind and deaf too. gosh i am getting older before time. not longer young to bent properly. anyway she put a good summary for my checkup.


"the brain doesn't like to be in a fatigue state. so don't stress yourself out. don't spark the fire. you know at the end you will burn out without a notice. slow down idiot, slow down. you know this song when he sing, sometimes i get overcharge. that is when you see the spark."

i hope the toubib will take my words seriously. next year will be my retirement year. bent or not bent baby, yet i am still a slow downer idiot.

a pile of shit in the brain

"I think I made you up inside my head." Sylvia Plath

what had i done today? nothing that  i could considered as cultivate actions. i just waited for long distance friends to pop out from the binary world. to kill time i played bubble trouble. as irony as solitaire. playing alone while been sick, without winning any dime out of it. just a good way to lose my times. i called this death. almost, close enough. entwined oneself onto the web of being brainless.

later i was so hungry. still sick i forced myself to eat. i ate the whole  20 cm flute (not dick you pervert but bread) with 100g of beaufort cheese. yummy but then later it turned so yucky. i puked everything. so went the flute and the milky cheese inside the toilet bowl. helplessly i saw the great bulk of slimy thingy waited to be flushed. the process of puking went smoothly. i dare to say i am the boulimos, the hunger oax. i was not doing it for fun. nothing as depress as purging the hard own cash while people in somalia have to do ramadhan yearlong. 

then i ate 10 prunes and i felt so sick. did you know what happened after? i vomit them. again like a selfish idiot.

so after 2 times of puking what i had inside my guts, i decided that i need to go out. i put on my jeans and t shirt. tied my shoes then went out. all i knew that i went back home 5 minutes after. if i walked further to the town, i would had just fall down on the street and knocked by the elephant (come on laugh a bit! all tragic had its own comedy). i arrived at home and i cried. it took me hours to realize that i was exaggerating a bit about my sickness (being epileptic). i should just bear in mind that all medicament have it side effects. 

"Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, depression, anxiety, or if you feel agitated, hostile, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself."

too bad also for my anemia history. i might get them back someday. so i will call the doctor soon if i accidently pop 32 of my pills and run amok with kitchen knife totally naked. awaiting for an elephant to strike me in the middle of busy road of this small village. 

figment or not, i am not a doctor. tomorrow i will go to have another check up. i really wonder if i do have an epilepsy or is it just a neurotic madness. i believe people can die by knocking on elephant voluntarily. and i did saw a naked man ran amok with kitchen knife before. so being an epileptic is still a puzzle for me. it can not be cured but can be controlled with medication. even the best one of the market won't promised that i will not have the fits. so shit, i am really in a deep shit. 

knock me down baby, i am all yours!

Plath flop flat, come leap i dare you...

last night i tried to read Plath again, the journal. I ended up dozing like shit after 5 minutes.

i think i will never ever comprehend her rambling. it is not out of understanding. i adore Plath craziness. just it is like reading someone diary you have known too well. every word sounds like an echo, rebound to me like "yeah i feel that too" feeling. reflection of me in a broken glass. ugly to see, yet i am scare i will bleed my fingers if i touch it too long.

i am not comparing myself to her. she is like a goddess of bell jar herself. read her journal, maybe you wish to be forever protected from the outside world. to breath your own suffering and turn on the gas and die. (i met few people who constantly talking about ending their life but yet hanging lazily on the balcony. admiring the scenery but no guts to just leap.) 

but me, i am still have few things to do. i want to die in the arm of my beloved one if i can. not by elephant crushing me violently. or slicing my wrist for fuck sake. it did crossed my mind of doing it but hell, i blamed it on the moon. anyway i can not see the light at the end of tunnel. black pitch. not yet. not now. not until i am safe on his embrace again.

so all this week of having holiday for my sickness, i will dedicate my time to read more of Plath. then go flop with grogginess and rest flat on my bed nest. i will let the balcony alone. or even the gas. i can not imagine myself end up with such tragedy. suicide is boring and pompous. 

if i am still alive up till now, i would like to thank you. i don't want to be noble as i am not. (you know how a proudly bitch i am, right) just a thank you as a token of commitment i had promised you. to love you beyond my right mind.

i am a proudly stupid bitch now...

and you are the reason of me having no guts to leap. come sit with me and admiring the scenery while we still have the time.