bent baby bent!

i came back from a medical checkup. nothing serious really. just a normal checkup for my work place. every once a year or two. always the same cheerful yet ethical madame. you enter the room, she would said, "now get naked. i will like to see if you can bent properly." 

so before getting 80% naked, i need to do the sight and hearing test. i failed to read that fonts as small as pubic lice. i just hummed yeah yeah yeah no, not B maybe Z or C. next please. i am suck with alphabets. oh the condom is for free? then came the hearing test. failed. it sounded more like a fly fart. or maybe i was busied reasoning on my conscience. with all the gadgets, i was lost in translation.

the next test was to pee in the goblet. urine test to be exact. i knew the pee would smelt like coffee. i drunk gallon before. indeed yes. my piss smelt awful. if anyone take a blind taste for   a new brand of coffee, my piss will go easily branded as a new type of brew.  the madame was disgusted. i just smiled. 


"i don't drink tea in the morning. sorry." 


i passed the test easily. no drugs (or should i consider caffeine as drug too?). just water, inorganic salts and organic compounds and hell yeah a heavy dose of coffee. maybe some other drugs but the madame said nothing. why should i bother giving her some of unwanted detail of my illicit activity?

then after i went thru the 2 tests, she shoved me to a next room. where another madame was waiting for me. this was the part where i needed to be on my panties and bra only. the last test before being proved able to work. (i have been working for almost 2 months. isn't that a proof i am so able to work? i guess that is so french.) 

"so was up with this year? i knew last year you had this and that. anything new?" she asked while looking at the computer. screened my health history. or maybe played with solitaire. 


i was still fully clothed when she asked that. the naked part was after some brief questions about my health state.

"well, last year was anemia. fully recovered. i hope. this year i had few fits and i am on tegretol. so next year i assume will be my retirement year. can you note that one? 


"oh some fits huh? how many times did you collapsed?" 


"5 times more or less. i didn't count but sure hell it wasn't funny. to drool and shit unconsciously. not good really. but tegretol makes me high. oh hell yeah baby."


"well, to be frank with you, there is no problem. you still can work even if you have fits. just make sure you don't climb a ladder when you work. you might kill yourself."


"i don't like ladder, i have a vertigo. case close. i can't climb up to the summit. well i could, i just crawl like a dog. i did once in tatra mountain range. i sweated like a dog too. you think i am ok doc?"

A brighter green indicates that you have taken too much B-complex. You may want to reduce it. If not, just let it be. Drink lots of water and do more exercise.

"sweating is normal and human. but dog don't sweat like us.  dog cool itself by panting and breathing. with the moist lining of their lung serving as the evaporative surface. you can check this if you want to know much about how do dog sweat."


"cool, you want to know about skippy? the most stupid dog ever in our valley?" i asked her.


"no, next year when you will have time to enjoy your retirement. now get naked. i want to see you bent."


"oh ok.  lucky day for you. i shaved and wear a matching underclothes. should i bent now?"




so when i reached home, i felt that my back hurt.  and i am sure i am becoming half blind and deaf too. gosh i am getting older before time. not longer young to bent properly. anyway she put a good summary for my checkup.


"the brain doesn't like to be in a fatigue state. so don't stress yourself out. don't spark the fire. you know at the end you will burn out without a notice. slow down idiot, slow down. you know this song when he sing, sometimes i get overcharge. that is when you see the spark."

i hope the toubib will take my words seriously. next year will be my retirement year. bent or not bent baby, yet i am still a slow downer idiot.

a pile of shit in the brain

"I think I made you up inside my head." Sylvia Plath

what had i done today? nothing that  i could considered as cultivate actions. i just waited for long distance friends to pop out from the binary world. to kill time i played bubble trouble. as irony as solitaire. playing alone while been sick, without winning any dime out of it. just a good way to lose my times. i called this death. almost, close enough. entwined oneself onto the web of being brainless.

later i was so hungry. still sick i forced myself to eat. i ate the whole  20 cm flute (not dick you pervert but bread) with 100g of beaufort cheese. yummy but then later it turned so yucky. i puked everything. so went the flute and the milky cheese inside the toilet bowl. helplessly i saw the great bulk of slimy thingy waited to be flushed. the process of puking went smoothly. i dare to say i am the boulimos, the hunger oax. i was not doing it for fun. nothing as depress as purging the hard own cash while people in somalia have to do ramadhan yearlong. 

then i ate 10 prunes and i felt so sick. did you know what happened after? i vomit them. again like a selfish idiot.

so after 2 times of puking what i had inside my guts, i decided that i need to go out. i put on my jeans and t shirt. tied my shoes then went out. all i knew that i went back home 5 minutes after. if i walked further to the town, i would had just fall down on the street and knocked by the elephant (come on laugh a bit! all tragic had its own comedy). i arrived at home and i cried. it took me hours to realize that i was exaggerating a bit about my sickness (being epileptic). i should just bear in mind that all medicament have it side effects. 

"Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, depression, anxiety, or if you feel agitated, hostile, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself."

too bad also for my anemia history. i might get them back someday. so i will call the doctor soon if i accidently pop 32 of my pills and run amok with kitchen knife totally naked. awaiting for an elephant to strike me in the middle of busy road of this small village. 

figment or not, i am not a doctor. tomorrow i will go to have another check up. i really wonder if i do have an epilepsy or is it just a neurotic madness. i believe people can die by knocking on elephant voluntarily. and i did saw a naked man ran amok with kitchen knife before. so being an epileptic is still a puzzle for me. it can not be cured but can be controlled with medication. even the best one of the market won't promised that i will not have the fits. so shit, i am really in a deep shit. 

knock me down baby, i am all yours!

Plath flop flat, come leap i dare you...

last night i tried to read Plath again, the journal. I ended up dozing like shit after 5 minutes.

i think i will never ever comprehend her rambling. it is not out of understanding. i adore Plath craziness. just it is like reading someone diary you have known too well. every word sounds like an echo, rebound to me like "yeah i feel that too" feeling. reflection of me in a broken glass. ugly to see, yet i am scare i will bleed my fingers if i touch it too long.

i am not comparing myself to her. she is like a goddess of bell jar herself. read her journal, maybe you wish to be forever protected from the outside world. to breath your own suffering and turn on the gas and die. (i met few people who constantly talking about ending their life but yet hanging lazily on the balcony. admiring the scenery but no guts to just leap.) 

but me, i am still have few things to do. i want to die in the arm of my beloved one if i can. not by elephant crushing me violently. or slicing my wrist for fuck sake. it did crossed my mind of doing it but hell, i blamed it on the moon. anyway i can not see the light at the end of tunnel. black pitch. not yet. not now. not until i am safe on his embrace again.

so all this week of having holiday for my sickness, i will dedicate my time to read more of Plath. then go flop with grogginess and rest flat on my bed nest. i will let the balcony alone. or even the gas. i can not imagine myself end up with such tragedy. suicide is boring and pompous. 

if i am still alive up till now, i would like to thank you. i don't want to be noble as i am not. (you know how a proudly bitch i am, right) just a thank you as a token of commitment i had promised you. to love you beyond my right mind.

i am a proudly stupid bitch now...

and you are the reason of me having no guts to leap. come sit with me and admiring the scenery while we still have the time.