a pile of shit in the brain

"I think I made you up inside my head." Sylvia Plath

what had i done today? nothing that  i could considered as cultivate actions. i just waited for long distance friends to pop out from the binary world. to kill time i played bubble trouble. as irony as solitaire. playing alone while been sick, without winning any dime out of it. just a good way to lose my times. i called this death. almost, close enough. entwined oneself onto the web of being brainless.

later i was so hungry. still sick i forced myself to eat. i ate the whole  20 cm flute (not dick you pervert but bread) with 100g of beaufort cheese. yummy but then later it turned so yucky. i puked everything. so went the flute and the milky cheese inside the toilet bowl. helplessly i saw the great bulk of slimy thingy waited to be flushed. the process of puking went smoothly. i dare to say i am the boulimos, the hunger oax. i was not doing it for fun. nothing as depress as purging the hard own cash while people in somalia have to do ramadhan yearlong. 

then i ate 10 prunes and i felt so sick. did you know what happened after? i vomit them. again like a selfish idiot.

so after 2 times of puking what i had inside my guts, i decided that i need to go out. i put on my jeans and t shirt. tied my shoes then went out. all i knew that i went back home 5 minutes after. if i walked further to the town, i would had just fall down on the street and knocked by the elephant (come on laugh a bit! all tragic had its own comedy). i arrived at home and i cried. it took me hours to realize that i was exaggerating a bit about my sickness (being epileptic). i should just bear in mind that all medicament have it side effects. 

"Call your doctor at once if you have any new or worsening symptoms such as: mood or behavior changes, depression, anxiety, or if you feel agitated, hostile, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself."

too bad also for my anemia history. i might get them back someday. so i will call the doctor soon if i accidently pop 32 of my pills and run amok with kitchen knife totally naked. awaiting for an elephant to strike me in the middle of busy road of this small village. 

figment or not, i am not a doctor. tomorrow i will go to have another check up. i really wonder if i do have an epilepsy or is it just a neurotic madness. i believe people can die by knocking on elephant voluntarily. and i did saw a naked man ran amok with kitchen knife before. so being an epileptic is still a puzzle for me. it can not be cured but can be controlled with medication. even the best one of the market won't promised that i will not have the fits. so shit, i am really in a deep shit. 

knock me down baby, i am all yours!